It’s a strange feeling being different. You are aware of how you used to be but also how you are now....This is how I feel after the challenge. I know how I used to react to things & how I used to feel about them, but I know choose to feel & act differently. My day starts at 05:30. take a shower & get dressed. I then pray with my wife & leave for work. When I get to the office, I close my door & meditate. For 30 min I shut the world out & spend time with me & the creator, in commune with the very essence of existence, of life.
I often catch myself thinking negatively & sometimes behave in a negative manner-but I am at least aware of it now & I now deliberately choose a different thought pattern. The struggle is about maintaining positive, high energy level thoughts.
The greatest change is this sense of excitement. This sense of anticipation & upliftment. Mind you it is not there all the time but I can feel it. It is there when I pray, it is there when I medicate, it is sometimes there when I go about my usual business. My challenge with this is to capture it & use the feeling a bit more often-to use it in order to get to my goals.
I now also find that most people I know are extremely negative! They are very pessimistic & cynical about just about everything in their lives. It makes socializing very difficult! I therefore avoid spending too much time with them. I often find myself trying to get my (mental) energy levels up after interacting with them. It unfortunately holds true for family & co-workers.
I see myself in a different light as well. I now know with certainty, that I am a being of light ,a creator, a form of energy, & that to be what I was created for I must be comfortable in my own light. It is this light that removes the darkness I chose for so long by denying the light, by not choosing 'I’, the true self but choosing other people's ideas & fears. I am a doctor by profession & I chose not to specialize 4 years ago. It was not an easy decision . My family was not very pleased about it. Moreover, I felt like a failure for doing it. After spending time with myself during the challenge, I realized that I never really saw myself as a surgeon in my mind's eye. I wanted to do more for people, my family & myself. I could do this as a surgeon, but do I really want to? That was my realization during the challenge-That I can do many things, I have many talents, but is it what I want?
I know what I want now-I have always known-that’s the funniest part. I knew while growing up what I wanted within me. I just did not know how to express or achieve it. I tired superimposing the feeling & expectation as a child to what is in the world-I could never really find it. I then resorted to doing what is acceptable & expected. I am now slowly defying this feeling within me-this sense of purpose. My challenge going forward is mapping really about defining myself. Its about expressing this me without fear or doubt. Knowing that I was created by light itself, I was created to be light, to love, to create & that I have the right to true happiness.
Its small steps daily-but I will get there. And when i do, I will walk some more....
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